Five ways to keep long-term love hot
Need to spice up your sex life with your long-time lover? Sex and relationship therapist Cheryl Swan offers the following advice for couples in a rut.
1. Beware the best friend trap
One of the biggest dangers is getting too buddy-buddy and forgetting about your masculine/feminine energies. Swan says people often tell her they’re best friends, their relationship’s great in all other areas, but they don’t have sex anymore.
One needs to be driven (present, goal-focused, open, principled) and one needs to be the muse (receptive, passionate, authentic, self-confident). These roles tend to slide when we get too familiar, Swan says. When we become best buddies instead of lovers, the sex goes downhill. This is true for same sex couples, too.
2. Communicate about the real stuff
The weather, news, FB, TV and what colour to paint the kitchen do not count. Swan says. How much you are really communicating directly correlates to how much good sex you are having. In order to have good sex, open up.
Sex is communication, just a more physical, and a more intimate form of communication.
3. Make quality time for each other
When burnout strikes, sex is the first thing to go. Learn how to say no and create healthy boundaries with work and other life commitments.
When you are together, be present with each other. Turn off the TV, phone and other distractions so you can really connect. You don’t want to become the new acronym, DINS (Double Income, No Sex).
4. Don’t take things too personally
If there’s a problem in your sex life, bring it up outside the bedroom and be willing to work on it together, Swan says.
Don’t bring the issue up in bed or just after sex, because negative things said when we’re in a state of arousal remain in our consciousness longer than usual. We’re basically in the same vulnerable mind frame in the moments before orgasm as in a hypnotic state.
5. Keep it consistently exciting
“Scheduled sex doesn’t have to be boring,” Swan says. Research shows that as long as we have anticipation and variety, then it’s fine if we don’t have spontaneity. If we’re excited to be with our partner on Saturday at 2 p.m., and it’s not always the same routine, then scheduled sex can be a great thing.
Keep surprising each other with interesting new things in bed. You are building a sexual history together. It is up to you both to make it worthy of your memoirs.